Oye Bandra ! : Ape-ic musings

If you are getting tired of listening to election squabbles, let me steer your attention towards another battle still brewing down under…..in Australia. The hard core cricket fans among you know that Indian team is on the tour in Australia. And there, Harbhajan Singh aka Bhajji has been accused by Australian cricketer Andrew Symonds of using a racial slur against him. Apparently he called him a BANDAR (Monkey). A suspension has been decreed which was followed with protests, threats and counter threats by ICI, BCCI, ICICI, MCI, RBI etc. etc. Even Michael Holding (remember the one from West Indies) has weighed in on the issue with an insightful – How can the term “Monkey” be racial? We all evolved from them. In response to Michael Holding’s comments, the legislators in the state of Kansas immediately gathered enough votes to declare Mr. Holding a persona non grata. Any minute now, Charles Darwin is expected to self-exhume and render his verdict on the issue.

Against the wishes and protests (and perhaps copyright infringement) of rest of the animal kingdom, humans have taken quite a liking to the use of animalistic epithets. A few illustrations are in order. Monica Lewinski was a bad-bad Cow. Jawahar Lal Nehru was an Indian Bull(crapper) who took an English Cow for grazing behind her master’s back. A large majority of politicians are Asses. Bappi Lahiri symbolized an oversized Ape – musically or otherwise.

In India, majority of the animals are revered for their pious connections. Cows have virtual immunity. Chickens have a patron through Lord Murugan but a lack of strong lobbying makes them more scared than revered, especially in northern India. The BANDAR community has its connection through Lord Hanuman, the key character of Valmiki’s epic Ramayana. The ones among you, who do not know the great story and were also spared from the torture of watching Arun Govil displaying his folds of ab-flesh on television, let me give you the gist. There was Lord Ram and brother Laxman. Sita was Ram’s wife. They all went into the forest when exiled. Ravana was the bad guy who abducted Sita, because Ram and Laxman refused unsolicited advances from Ravana’s sister. A good old fight followed with victory of good over evil. Who was Hanuman then you might ask? Well he was the one who went around with his tail on fire. Hanuman’s fiery spirit has stayed alive. My good friend Ashish Vij, who played Ram in a many a mohalla’s Ram Leela was fired from it by Hanuman when he began insisting on taking Sita to the forest.

Valmiki was mostly mum as to why Lord Hanuman chose a life of single-hood but many schools of thought have been proposed. My nephew Wellwired Singh says – In the absence of internet, it must be very hard to find “A Suitable Bandariya”. And a suitable Bandar does not hang from every tree either – retorts Wellwired’s wife Hard Kaur. My friend Goofur-e-Alam opines – The choices were clear. Life time of monkeying around or getting knotty with just one pry-mate. He chose freedom. Wisdom beyond the years of evolution. And the 42nd generation of famous match makers from Ragerpura, New Delhi claim – We had a good “rishta” ready for him. Problem came from prospective in-laws. They were too Langoor-ish.

In spite of celibacy, Lord Hanuman is perhaps not without a soft corner for fairer sex. Against all my admonitions and a spirited propaganda in favor of Lord Krishna (role model for many Indian males), a very dear friend of mine once prayed really hard to Lord Hanuman for something she really wanted….and Lord Hanuman delivered the results.

All Punjabi fathers, who have been blessed with son(s), have greatly enriched the Punjabi language with a generous use of word “BANDAR” in similes and metaphors. To sample a choicest few addresses by Punjabi fathers to their male progeny – Oye Bandra !, Kan khol ke sun (O Monkey, Listen with your ears open)……..Eh Bandarpuna band kar de nahin tan…(Quit monkeying around or else..)……Bandar wangoo tappna band kar (stop jumping up and down like a monkey)……and my personal favorite, Tera bootha Bandar wangoo kyon sujya aa (why your face is swollen like that of a monkey).

Now imagine serene Punjabi countryside; a two and half year old boy with limited power cerebral engine and nascent linguistic skills, trying to articulate his thoughts in a difficult and confusing situation, “Well, whenever I pee in the flower pot, Dad calls me Oye Bandra!, and Grandpa calls me Oye Kaka!. I guess Bandar and Kaka must be synonyms”. If the boy is capable of such precocious thoughts then he is definitely headed for the dwindling ranks of Punjabi intellectual society. If not that, he is at least expected to play cricket or write a silly blog.