There was a time, when in certain areas of current Pakistan, barbers would hang a notice in their shops : "Siasi guftgu se takalluff karen" (Please refrain from having any political discussions here). Intent of this reminder is still applied though enforcement of adage now has been passed from gentle and gregarious barbers to some not so serious NGOs like Taliban. My venture into a little bit of "Siasi Guftgu" is not because my faith in barber-ic wisdom has mellowed, but because of the fact that I have reached that stage of life, where duration between visits to a barber can be measured accurately, only by employing scientific units of light years. And my hair grooming need though still growing, but has shifted its venue from my head to my nose and my ears, particularly latter.
Democracy Sham-o-cracy
Democracy : An elaborate and expensive process by which slightly more than half of the participating population, are made to think that they have earned the right to enforce their views on the others. Considered better than Plutocracy, Autocracy and Theocracy, where view enforcement ratio is decidedly < 1.
India and the US consider themselves world's largest democracies. India, on the basis of its Reproductive power and US, on the basis of its eh...Power. Latter has even tried to export Democracy using its military power. Though US is big on the idea of Democracy, but grown men in the US still tremble, when asked about details of electoral college system of electing the president. Even some recent contenders for the US presidential post came close to being Trumped, when it dawned upon them that Democracy is Of the People, For the People and By the Delegates !
Indian President on the other hand, after imposing President's rule in one of the states, has returned to prime Presidential responsibility : Foreign Tour. Though lately, Indian Prime Minister has competed vigorously with President in the foreign tour category. As US makes advances in realizing democratic idea of gender and race equality in elected offices, awaiting possibility of bringing a feminine touch to Executive office, I am reminded by a proud friend that India (and even Pakistan) has had a woman at the helm before. And if that does happen, then US will be overjoyed to have its very first "FIRST DUDE", who, just like many First Ladies, will have a say in 'domestic' policy but will be completely excluded from any say in hiring process for white house interns.
Money and Politics
I remember the time from my youth when elections in India were a festive affair. To an un-trained eye, the charged atmosphere was almost indistinguishable from release of a new Amitabh Bachan movie. And then Indian election commission woke up from its Kumbhkarni slumber and threw water on festivities. Now you may disagree with me but as well intentioned as Indian election commission was, limiting all that election advertisement only hurt the common man....as always. Money still changes hands in bundles but Indian Election commission put out of business, that Poster-wala, that Rickshaw-wala, that Paint-wala, and my personal favorite, that loud speaker - wala, who went out everyday reminding electorate.
Keeping up with Supreme Court decision on campaign financing, I propose that US should completely free up the high bundlers, folks who pump over a few billion dollars into election. In their own words, they are not trying to put their candidate into presidential seat but simply trying to influence the policy....for greater public good....which explains why some of them qualify as Tax exempt organizations......ah, such do-gooders and such a shabby treatment.
But why let these good people spend money on media organizations with their statistically muddled effectiveness. We should let them impact the policy directly and get a clear feedback for their expenses. Now your moral compass may go berserk with the idea but with secret ballot, I see no harm or surprise, if I see Geroge Soros and Koch brothers standing outside the voting booth handing out their policy ideas to voters......policy papers stapled to a crisp hundred dollar bill could go a long way in educating voters.
Blessed are thee...
"God bless the United States of America".
Allow me to clarify the fine print.
Blessing of course is not limited to unites states only. It does extend to friends and allies of the USA. But the blessing will be immediately put in abeyance, if incidents of disagreement on foreign policy matters increases beyond US dictated flexible threshold limit. Countries which have vital assets feeding into consumption economy of USA will continue to receive blessing with certain quid pro quo stipulations, which includes but not limited to supply of any hardware needed to maintain a stable Banana republic. All other nations, who have no such assets....well, we will definitely pray for your soul. Within the USA, blessings will continue to be distributed without any seeming preference for color, creed, gender etc., though it will remain subject to influence of electoral results, and the delicate balance of sentiment within supreme court bench. Blessing to all Native Indians must come pre-approved by both houses of congress and the executive. And that is why they are highly encouraged to enlist the services of a good lobbyist, who can expedite the application for blessing, which will be distributed to them in denominations of casino chips. Counsels have further sought the clarification on matters of original sins e.g. thou shall not kill...directly or indirectly? Thou shall not covet....thy office intern's ass or cannabis? Until such clarifications are available, all US Presidents and wannabes can continue to use the expression in national interest. However, all those sinners, who have been invoking someone else's God's blessing on Par 3 holes and sand bunkers on cheap public golf courses, be warned. Such actions clearly violates "His name in vain" clause of sin code. Lightning strike could be much closer than they think.
Gay right to marry
'Are you feeling gay today?'
"Yes, but yesterday, I was not gay. I had an altercation with my spouse on some credit card items. Not gay at all".
My good friend, who is always gay, and who has disagreed with me on almost everything continues to disagrees with me on this one too. Here is that conversation to best of my re-collection
Me : "I do not know why gay community wants a right to marry. They should stay with Civil Union. Trust me on this one, but there is no other union more uncivil than marriage".
She : "Hmmm..."
Me : "OK. I will fully support Gay right to marry as long as there is stipulation that they will not be allowed to divorce for at least ten years. I want them to fully experience the same marital bliss that their hetro brethren have experienced."
She : "Bartender, Hold that next drink and call a cab for him."
Now my arguments have logic but the true opposition block on this one cites God, backing of that omnipotent pious power.
Women's right to choose
My unwavering support to women's right to choose is no secret. Over time, only a few women have chosen to be seen with me in public, without a multi-layered veil. And no one else has been more surprised at their choice than I, myself. And in time, all of these women have rued their choice and chosen to re-exercise their right to choose, and proceeded on to suspend my privileges. And I have always bowed down for I always have wholeheartedly supported women's right to choose.
Now, reason most cited by anti-women's right to choose lobby : GOD !
Yes, God himself told them so. If you have had any doubt about omnipresence of God, it should have been addressed by now. By the way, States which are leading the charge against Women's right to chose, are also the same States, which are topping the charts for unwed Teen Pregnancies. Hmmm....but God told them to do so too.
Immigration and Fences
"Illegal immigration has always been a problem in the United States. If you don't believe me, ask any Native Indian" - Robert Orben
History has not been able to kill the irresistibility of the idea of building a fence. A colossal example of such expense is the The Great Fence of China. However, after almost two millennia, government of China has a plan to recover that expenditure.....one western tourist at a time. And that recovered money will be used wisely in building a Great electronic fence of China, which will keep the tourist coming but stop any incoming ideology at the fence itself. Folks, if you ever use the expression "Fences within Fences", be sure to cite my name in bibliography.
Torture
Question "Does water boarding constitutes torture" just refuses to die down.
In ancient times, judges got tired of cops, who were always claiming that prisoner is in medical care because he fell down the stairs, but just before falling, prisoner was able to give this detailed written confessional statement. And hence "Habeas Corpus" (You may have the body or Show me the body) came into being. We have not made much progress since then. Being a person, who passed his Design of Experiments course with a borderline honorable B-, I am fully qualified to propose that we conduct a social experiment, which will answer the question "Does water boarding constitutes torture?" once and for all.
Experiment is simple : We subject ex Vice President Dick Cheney to a few sessions of water boarding. In interest of advancement of scientific inquiry, we should have no trouble getting ex-VP to acquiesce.
Now let me first address the first wave of criticism to this experiment. These are people who don't care about ex-VP but are extremely worried about what he will reveal about national security when water boarded. Fear not folks. Ex-VP will be asked only the questions, which he has already answered in public before.
Second kind of criticism is from the folks who think that anyone, including ex-VP, will admit to anything under water boarding. Again, fear not folks, because this is where we, the experimentalists shine. We will have a "Control Question", which will be asked of ex-VP at the beginning and at the end of the experiment, plus periodically in between and the answer will be monitored for subtle changes in his responses. Beauty of this Control Question is that it can be something silly like "Mr. Cheney, did you ever have, or are planning to have any JF Edgar Hoover themed Brokeback Mountain parties in your basement?"....admit to anything ?....let's see about that.
I know that Social Scientists among you are tickled to a point slightly short of death, at the simplicity of this idea. Success of this experiment will immediately launch a large scale scientific verification by subjecting officials from all states to Water Boarding, except officials of California. California is undergoing a prolonged drought and water must be preserved for critical Golf Courses and Big medical needs (Saline water breast implants). However that does not mean that California is exempt. Officials of California will be flown to another city for Water Boarding, a city where water is available in plenty. Yes you guessed this one right : Flint, Michigan.
And now I must go attend to my aural grooming needs, lest I miss the finer points of weekend discourse by blocking those sound waves enumerating my ever declining contribution to domestic polity.
Democracy Sham-o-cracy
Democracy : An elaborate and expensive process by which slightly more than half of the participating population, are made to think that they have earned the right to enforce their views on the others. Considered better than Plutocracy, Autocracy and Theocracy, where view enforcement ratio is decidedly < 1.
India and the US consider themselves world's largest democracies. India, on the basis of its Reproductive power and US, on the basis of its eh...Power. Latter has even tried to export Democracy using its military power. Though US is big on the idea of Democracy, but grown men in the US still tremble, when asked about details of electoral college system of electing the president. Even some recent contenders for the US presidential post came close to being Trumped, when it dawned upon them that Democracy is Of the People, For the People and By the Delegates !
Indian President on the other hand, after imposing President's rule in one of the states, has returned to prime Presidential responsibility : Foreign Tour. Though lately, Indian Prime Minister has competed vigorously with President in the foreign tour category. As US makes advances in realizing democratic idea of gender and race equality in elected offices, awaiting possibility of bringing a feminine touch to Executive office, I am reminded by a proud friend that India (and even Pakistan) has had a woman at the helm before. And if that does happen, then US will be overjoyed to have its very first "FIRST DUDE", who, just like many First Ladies, will have a say in 'domestic' policy but will be completely excluded from any say in hiring process for white house interns.
Money and Politics
I remember the time from my youth when elections in India were a festive affair. To an un-trained eye, the charged atmosphere was almost indistinguishable from release of a new Amitabh Bachan movie. And then Indian election commission woke up from its Kumbhkarni slumber and threw water on festivities. Now you may disagree with me but as well intentioned as Indian election commission was, limiting all that election advertisement only hurt the common man....as always. Money still changes hands in bundles but Indian Election commission put out of business, that Poster-wala, that Rickshaw-wala, that Paint-wala, and my personal favorite, that loud speaker - wala, who went out everyday reminding electorate.
Keeping up with Supreme Court decision on campaign financing, I propose that US should completely free up the high bundlers, folks who pump over a few billion dollars into election. In their own words, they are not trying to put their candidate into presidential seat but simply trying to influence the policy....for greater public good....which explains why some of them qualify as Tax exempt organizations......ah, such do-gooders and such a shabby treatment.
But why let these good people spend money on media organizations with their statistically muddled effectiveness. We should let them impact the policy directly and get a clear feedback for their expenses. Now your moral compass may go berserk with the idea but with secret ballot, I see no harm or surprise, if I see Geroge Soros and Koch brothers standing outside the voting booth handing out their policy ideas to voters......policy papers stapled to a crisp hundred dollar bill could go a long way in educating voters.
Blessed are thee...
"God bless the United States of America".
Allow me to clarify the fine print.
Blessing of course is not limited to unites states only. It does extend to friends and allies of the USA. But the blessing will be immediately put in abeyance, if incidents of disagreement on foreign policy matters increases beyond US dictated flexible threshold limit. Countries which have vital assets feeding into consumption economy of USA will continue to receive blessing with certain quid pro quo stipulations, which includes but not limited to supply of any hardware needed to maintain a stable Banana republic. All other nations, who have no such assets....well, we will definitely pray for your soul. Within the USA, blessings will continue to be distributed without any seeming preference for color, creed, gender etc., though it will remain subject to influence of electoral results, and the delicate balance of sentiment within supreme court bench. Blessing to all Native Indians must come pre-approved by both houses of congress and the executive. And that is why they are highly encouraged to enlist the services of a good lobbyist, who can expedite the application for blessing, which will be distributed to them in denominations of casino chips. Counsels have further sought the clarification on matters of original sins e.g. thou shall not kill...directly or indirectly? Thou shall not covet....thy office intern's ass or cannabis? Until such clarifications are available, all US Presidents and wannabes can continue to use the expression in national interest. However, all those sinners, who have been invoking someone else's God's blessing on Par 3 holes and sand bunkers on cheap public golf courses, be warned. Such actions clearly violates "His name in vain" clause of sin code. Lightning strike could be much closer than they think.
Gay right to marry
'Are you feeling gay today?'
"Yes, but yesterday, I was not gay. I had an altercation with my spouse on some credit card items. Not gay at all".
My good friend, who is always gay, and who has disagreed with me on almost everything continues to disagrees with me on this one too. Here is that conversation to best of my re-collection
Me : "I do not know why gay community wants a right to marry. They should stay with Civil Union. Trust me on this one, but there is no other union more uncivil than marriage".
She : "Hmmm..."
Me : "OK. I will fully support Gay right to marry as long as there is stipulation that they will not be allowed to divorce for at least ten years. I want them to fully experience the same marital bliss that their hetro brethren have experienced."
She : "Bartender, Hold that next drink and call a cab for him."
Now my arguments have logic but the true opposition block on this one cites God, backing of that omnipotent pious power.
Women's right to choose
My unwavering support to women's right to choose is no secret. Over time, only a few women have chosen to be seen with me in public, without a multi-layered veil. And no one else has been more surprised at their choice than I, myself. And in time, all of these women have rued their choice and chosen to re-exercise their right to choose, and proceeded on to suspend my privileges. And I have always bowed down for I always have wholeheartedly supported women's right to choose.
Now, reason most cited by anti-women's right to choose lobby : GOD !
Yes, God himself told them so. If you have had any doubt about omnipresence of God, it should have been addressed by now. By the way, States which are leading the charge against Women's right to chose, are also the same States, which are topping the charts for unwed Teen Pregnancies. Hmmm....but God told them to do so too.
Immigration and Fences
"Illegal immigration has always been a problem in the United States. If you don't believe me, ask any Native Indian" - Robert Orben
History has not been able to kill the irresistibility of the idea of building a fence. A colossal example of such expense is the The Great Fence of China. However, after almost two millennia, government of China has a plan to recover that expenditure.....one western tourist at a time. And that recovered money will be used wisely in building a Great electronic fence of China, which will keep the tourist coming but stop any incoming ideology at the fence itself. Folks, if you ever use the expression "Fences within Fences", be sure to cite my name in bibliography.
Torture
Question "Does water boarding constitutes torture" just refuses to die down.
In ancient times, judges got tired of cops, who were always claiming that prisoner is in medical care because he fell down the stairs, but just before falling, prisoner was able to give this detailed written confessional statement. And hence "Habeas Corpus" (You may have the body or Show me the body) came into being. We have not made much progress since then. Being a person, who passed his Design of Experiments course with a borderline honorable B-, I am fully qualified to propose that we conduct a social experiment, which will answer the question "Does water boarding constitutes torture?" once and for all.
Experiment is simple : We subject ex Vice President Dick Cheney to a few sessions of water boarding. In interest of advancement of scientific inquiry, we should have no trouble getting ex-VP to acquiesce.
Now let me first address the first wave of criticism to this experiment. These are people who don't care about ex-VP but are extremely worried about what he will reveal about national security when water boarded. Fear not folks. Ex-VP will be asked only the questions, which he has already answered in public before.
Second kind of criticism is from the folks who think that anyone, including ex-VP, will admit to anything under water boarding. Again, fear not folks, because this is where we, the experimentalists shine. We will have a "Control Question", which will be asked of ex-VP at the beginning and at the end of the experiment, plus periodically in between and the answer will be monitored for subtle changes in his responses. Beauty of this Control Question is that it can be something silly like "Mr. Cheney, did you ever have, or are planning to have any JF Edgar Hoover themed Brokeback Mountain parties in your basement?"....admit to anything ?....let's see about that.
I know that Social Scientists among you are tickled to a point slightly short of death, at the simplicity of this idea. Success of this experiment will immediately launch a large scale scientific verification by subjecting officials from all states to Water Boarding, except officials of California. California is undergoing a prolonged drought and water must be preserved for critical Golf Courses and Big medical needs (Saline water breast implants). However that does not mean that California is exempt. Officials of California will be flown to another city for Water Boarding, a city where water is available in plenty. Yes you guessed this one right : Flint, Michigan.
And now I must go attend to my aural grooming needs, lest I miss the finer points of weekend discourse by blocking those sound waves enumerating my ever declining contribution to domestic polity.
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