Encounters of the x-Word Kind

There is a subtle difference between getting old (Aging) and feeling old. One is a straight line process and the other is a straight line process accompanied by some un-intentional and unsavory acoustics.

As aging (ripening) mellows one down, there is a general tendency to incline naturally (gravitate) towards safe stimulators, and hence begin the encounters of the word kind, the Crosswords. Crosswords, an activity which New York Times once called “sinful waste of time” and “primitive mental exercise”, before some true American on their staff spotted (Espied) a $$ sign in every unfilled square. And now it has been purported to improve cognitive abilities, thanks to a spirited educational effort by a Senior Lobby (AARP). In this age, Texting has been touted as an alternative but activity is undoubtedly perilous. It is well known now that attempts to abbreviate Teen’s Best Friend Forever (BFF) have compromised the public safety of many, but there have been no reported incidents of endangerment from brooding to verbalize Exploding letters (TNT). I was given a free Texting 101 tutorial by my nephew Wellwired Singh. However, I failed when tested on texting the staple “LOL” to my wife. It came out as “SOS” on the other end…..did I tell you how perilous texting could be? Well, the issue is an innate design flaw. My thumbs were designed for clear, broad XL prints often required by law enforcement authorities after somewhat miss-guided youthful activity.

Semi-motivated by desire (wish) to improve cognition, I began over-exercising my cerebral muscle, with this colorless (No Hue) opponent. English majors among you will notice that I used the word “muscle”, a singular noun. It just happens that my mortal soul was destined for delivery in the rural area of Punjab. And God, in his infinite wisdom was unable to foresee any situation, where I would require any more than one. On the physical side though, I was allowed to avail my minimal entitlement of a standard military issue. Well, God had his plans and Charles Darwin had his own. As a part of evolution, I was routed to B tier schools, which I duly cleared with C+ grades.

I am unsure about improving cognition but I have definitely learned which Greek god or goddess to invoke when I am in mood for a really good bottle of wine (Dionysus), launching another Iraq war (Ares), petitioning for additional wisdom (Athena) or asking for Eternal Youth (Aphrodite). As a part of an unwritten gentle-womanly agreement, all “suggestive” words were kept out of Crosswords for a long time (eon). While younger generation is happy to see some recent peripheral exploration of this vast lexicon with Adult (R-rated), Capable of generating heat (Erotic), Bordering Porn (Racy), Went up in 70s (Hemline) and A support system? (Bra)……but Alas, unclasping the verbal mystery is all the excitement, doctor has allowed for the major target demographic.

Sheikh S. Pir of far-east mused after consuming a few gallons of unadvertised brands of brews, “When is a question not a question, that is the question?” Well, most common illustrative situation is a domestic one. Imagine, you have just returned from a Golf game and your spouse says, “Are you happy now”. No, it is not a question (so don’t answer it) and she is neither aware of, nor remotely interested in details of two birdies, which you made with sheer luck.

We must take a short sidebar, now that Golf has been mentioned. Besides outwardly sophistication, an added attraction is that this game allows one to consume Pale Drinks (Ales) before noon hours. It’s a game which demands such a unique combination of physical and mental agility (acumen) that it makes grown strong men and women, feel and measure their inadequacy on regular basis and call it a handicap. Golfers spend endless hours immersed in introspection, evaluation, determination and then, one bad shot on the fairway and who do they blame….JESUS CHRIST. Yes, outside the confines of churches, Golf courses are where HIS name is uttered most. Not in vain but not exactly in reverential tones either. He died for our sins but apparently not good enough for the non-due paying members of links organization (PGA). HE is expected to help some of us with our putting, chipping and bunker shots too. Well, maybe I have taken it too far because bunker shots definitely require some measure of divine intervention.

And now back to the original question. Question marks (?) in NYT crosswords are an additional clue, which speak directly to you, “Mr. Dumb, answer to “Virgin’s Parent?" is not “No Virgin”. Think beyond the obvious, if you can”. Such stimulating dialogue continues as one encounters Circles above Heads? (Halos), Grande opening? (Rio), World record? (Atlas) and Mobile Home? (Crib). Take a Course? (Eat) but do not Take too Much? (OD). Can’t Home? (Zero) in on the answers, seek a PC way out? (ESC). And I seriously question Singer Speculates? (Stevie Wonders). British, who always had issues with anything straight and regular, as evident by their cro-magnon dental work, have taken this to whole new level with invention of cryptic crosswords. And boy, are those clues fun to read…..Fellow extracting energy from metal ?????? The answer is LAD. Lead sans E….get it. New dimensions are added to no man’s land between yes and no with maybe and might. Some might be checkered (Pasts), Some might be inflated (Egos) and Some might be proper (Nouns). Someone who is short might run to it (ATM). And no Punjabi can get this one wrong – Sky might do this in inebriate’s dream (Rain Alcohol).

My motherland India makes an occasional appearance in American crosswords with Indian royalty (Rani or Raja), Indian caretaker (Amah), Indian holy man (Sadhu), Indian composition (Raga), Indian wrap (Sari) and Slumdog Millionaire locale (Agra). Too mundane. Here are some India-centric entries, which might spur some not so mundane brainwaves. Folksy ending to a boom town (Bangalore), Warning of explosive, reversed in India (Bombay), New meat vendor heard by the old one (New Delhi) and lastly, A sarcastic state with punch (Punjab). British have taken on Indian words with some par excellence cryptic clues. Some wonderful ones are I suffer from this in Indian city (MySore), Place showing prosperity right now, but had trouble in 1857 (LuckNow) and some real gems, Fool preceding PM in Indian state (AssAM) and A parisian hit out with truncheon (LaThi). Pakistan is expected to make its crossword debut with Pakistani hooker in France (LaHore).

I am unsure as to what word to use when describing people who attempt Crossword puzzles. Are they “Puzzlers” or are they just “Puzzled”. Perhaps this profound topic should be left to English majors while I continue to look out for (Abet) Virgin’s Parent?