It is my hobby to often ponder upon matters beyond my control and by virtue of marriage, opportunity to indulge presents on a regular basis. However, to realize the full potential of this feeling of worthlessness, I still like to catch up on the political news by reading a few Indian dailies. Political landscape is changing. Notwithstanding his age, Mr. ND Tiwari, Hon. ex-governor of Andhra Pradesh rose up to the occasion to change the stoichiometry of political scandals and bring it at par with western standards, but his efforts have gone in vain. Corruption continues to top the parliamentary Bill board. And corruption has brought Fasts back in vogue, in particular its deadly strain: Fast unto Death. Fast unto Death until there is end to corruption. Maybe I am just wrong but isn’t it in the best interest of the country that all the uncorrupted people stay alive? And isn’t vice versa is desirable too?
Fast unto Death, a form of civil disobedience, popularized by Mahatma Gandhi, who was not its father, as many might believe. Besides records of using Fast as a protest mechanism in Ireland, the early record of Fast unto Death goes quite far back even in India. In Valmiki’s epic Ramayana, Bharata used Fast-unto-Death as a threat, trying to force Lord Rama back from exile. Lord Rama however convinced him otherwise with logic,” Look Bharata, it is only thirteen years. They will go by. It’s just like finishing graduate school + some post doctoral work”.
For so many declarations of Fast unto Death, the statistical record of its practitioners actually achieving the publicly declared end result is abysmally low. And, for a good reason. It is a well established medical fact that once you cross the “unto” part of Fast unto Death, you will not be able to declare a repeat performance. During the entire Indian freedom movement, Jatin Das was the only brave man who went to the Fast end. If his name doesn’t ring a bell, that is because history is written by ones who stay alive. For every principled Swami Nigamanand, there are many others who know how to end their multiple Fasts unto Death just at the right time with a picture of the practitioner appearing on the front page (preferably a national daily) with a blissfully un-aware young girl orange-juicing the practitioner back into the mortal, material and corrupt world. If not that, obituaries are on page five, column two.
Unhappy with Manmohan Singh’s government’s not so Fast response, Fast front is heating up with Anna Hazare and Swami Ramdev. Now, Anna Hazare is from the same general area as Mahatma Gandhi so he probably has a genetic proclivity and experience towards Fasts but Swami Ramdev! Does he really belong in the Fast league? Already, two places of decimal are needed to record his body mask index. Plus, he was teaching Yoga to the likes of Shilpa Shetty, who by herself presents an extremely compelling set of reasons for not quitting one’s day job….all Punjabi intellectuals agree. But to his credit, an undeterred Swami Ramdev declared Fast unto Death and made his stand in Delhi’s Ram-leela grounds. However, when Death did arrive, somewhat prematurely and unexpectedly, donning the uniform of Delhi Police, Swami Ramdev showed how Fast he is on his feet, and escaped by camouflaging his slender form with a feminine garment. Mystery surrounding the make-up used to camouflage Swami Ramdev’s facial hair has piqued the interest of cosmeticians around the world. Armed with a spending budget rivaling that of NASA’s Mars mission budget, multinational cosmetic spooks have launched a secret operation to uncover yogi’s secret. Operation is code named: Hairy Rama, Hairy Krishna. Btw, it is common knowledge that on his Asian collection tour, grim reaper shuns his traditional cloak and scythe for standard local police and military issue.
Are Fasts really effective in this regard? And that question must be answered using scientific inquiry. Fortunately we are in luck here, for there happens to be a large population data available when it comes to selfless Fasts. Indian women have been Fasting regularly for over a millennium for a seemingly unselfish reason: Asking God to prolong the life span of their respective (one hopes!) spouses. And using the data from last census, the probability of a married man outliving his spouse can be calculated at 9.7%. Some of you may react….That is it? Over a millennium of Fast to prolong the married male’s life span and that is it? I say, let’s not be so Fast in rushing to the conclusion here. The result seems to be a statistical anomaly and it must be explained through….you guessed it….scientific inquiry. And I turn my inquiry to the nearest person with intimate knowledge of this matter: my wife. Her explanation starts with standard opening line.
“You are wrong. A millennium of Fasts is the reason why probability has risen to 9.7%. In absence of a Fasting wife, some of you would be dropping by the time last Phera is finished”.
Phera: A ritualistic circuitous route taken to solemnize marriage during Hindu and Sikh marital ceremonies. It is meant as a subtle but ample warning to a very blessed would-be-couple about the nature of marital life, where all arguments, conversations and even the entertainment will make them feel as if they are going around in circles. Warning is issued seven times during Hindu ceremony. Sikhs see no point after fourth.
My tech savvy nephew Wellwired Singh suggests that these Fasts are actually effective but married males are voluntarily choosing to forego the available, Fast-secured longevity benefits. I had a feeling that he was going to expound further on this particular line of perplexing reasoning but he decided to change the subject….coinciding with his wife Harsh Kaur’s entry into the room.
I say we take a cue from an extremely patient effort by fairer sex and try a periodic national Fast on corruption. For simplicity, we call it C-Fast day. I further suggest that date of this day be kept deliberately fluid and be declared very close to the final round of a major cricket tournament, where home team is in the finals, to opportunistically take advantage of nationalistic fervor. This C-Fast day, everyone does things the right way. You get a traffic ticket, you will not bribe. Instead, you will go to the court as the law requires. If you do offer a bribe, the temporarily uncorrupt cop will refuse to take it citing C-Fast day obligations. C-Fast could also turn into day of complements. A C-Fasting Suresh Kalmadi will walk into a meeting and people will say,” wow, Suresh. You look so different. Have you been losing weight (of those undeclared assets)”? And parliament will be at its most efficient on C-Fast day. The after effects of C-Fast however could be hard to take. While some of you might find this Fast outright exhilrating and uplifting, others might want to go back to the greasy ways,” My palm has been itching whole day. I wish someone would grease it today”. I propose that we start this C-Fast annually and increase the frequency based on democratic response. Our goal: 9.7% improvement by year 3000.
All this Fast talk is making me really hungry. As I ask my wife,” So what is cooking today”? She tells me,” Cook yourself. Can’t you see I am fasting for you”?
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