I am not aware of any divine decree that Christmas morning should be any different from a weekend morning. I contended so dreamily when I felt quilt being pulled. Retracting into fetal position, I opened my eyes half-way to find my wife, who had just finished her Pilates and Yoga routine, staring at me….with that look. I had seen this look before. It is the look of a traffic court judge who is waiting for defendant’s opening statement. I reached for my intellectual reserve of statements. Drawing a few blanks, I thought about yelling “Jesus Christ” but it didn’t seem right to invoke Him…not this day. So I said what most Punjabi men say in this stressful situation – I think I am going to have “Mooli da Parantha” this morning. I was about to specify the side dishes to accompany this light breakfast, when she stopped me with a correctional order - First thing you are going to have is a shower, second thing you are going to do is…..and third……and tenth……do you understand? Imagine my surprise, the top ten list just conveyed to me had no resemblance to “Mooli da Parantha", not even remotely. Mooli da Parantha is a proper noun but the top ten could be mostly classified as unnecessary verbs. It must be a Merry Christmas.
With snow on the ground, life is slowing down into the holiday season and I am beginning to pay more attention to small everyday pleasures of life…..Scotch and Samosa. I am also getting in touch with my softer, sentimental, spiritual and understanding side. Inspired by an Ansel Adams calendar (a gift from work in lieu of salary raise), I take pictures of snow flakes hanging from leafless branches of an Aspen in my backyard, while trying to forgive my neighbor’s dog who jump over the fence to perform ablutions under the same tree. And I get teary eyed just watching my fellow Punjabi Sardar Dilbagh Singh put Christmas Sale (20% off) sign in front of his liquor store – Colorado Spirits! When I put warm covers on my Golf clubs to prepare them for hibernation in the basement, I hear a comment – There goes man with a handicap……I Ha Ha it. I come out of the basement with a snow shovel and I get a hero’s welcome. I am beginning to understand women.
Fairly soon, 2009 will be upon us and we will prepare to take stock of our yearly resolutions and things we did not get right in 2008. Don’t be disheartened if they bear uncanny similarity to things you did not get right in 2007, 2006 and even in prior years. There is a reason why God has allowed calendar system to flourish. A new chance every year before bundle of “things you did not get right” gets unbearably large. Spooked by ongoing recession, I am cutting down on my yearly resolutions. I inform my wife of my simple plans. I will not procrastinate anymore. I will cancel that unused Gym membership first thing in 2009. No more fits from fitness routines and that will automatically satisfy my second resolution – Save Money….pretty smart eh. She proposes taking up Yoga and even lends me her DVD of Swami Ramdev. But I am more keen on inspiring myself into Yoga by a talented pupil of Swami Ramdev – Shilpa Shetty. I have given some thought to a Scotch-free year but Sardar Dilbagh Singh quashes my resolve with his rendition of "Hungama hai kyon barpa, Thodi si jo pi li hai".
Well, be it Yoga or Bhoga – hope you will get them all right this coming year. Just don’t let anyone crucify you for demanding your most basic right – Mooli da Parantha.
Happy holidays to all of you.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Ramblings of an American voter
Halloween hasn’t arrived but the horror is arriving early this year. I got my retirement and benefits statement and it scared the “Jesus” out of me….and appropriately so….possibility of “The Last Supper” is looming large. If you are wondering how strongly American retirement plan is tied to the S & P 500, consider that at the height of tech boom, mine included South of France; market forces downgraded it later to South of Florida. And now, even South Dakota is closing its doors. And in spite of this financial turmoil, I bailed out some recent shopping bills, where store names were dead giveaways to the excesses - Needless Marcus and Pier 1 Extorts! I know you are thinking regulation. Well, a politic mind would recognize that regulation can upset the delicate nature of capitalistic democracy in the long run.
And talking of democracy, the exciting event of American elections is just around the corner. There is something about general elections, which turn novices into experts and experts into werewolves. Though indecisiveness can get one out of some sticky situations in one’s Youth, but since that short span of life ended long time back, my indecisiveness has been regarded and recorded in the liability section of balance sheet. Not any more though…Now, I am a prized catch for major party candidates running for oval office. Pollsters make it clear that the fate of this election will be decided by indecisive people and I am feeling proud of my kind. We the undecided do not see the voting decision as easy as “Black and White”……as some extremely decisive folks from Mississippi would have you believe.
Having recently taken an oath to abide by the American constitution, I am taking my civic duty seriously by educating myself into an expert.
American constitution (n.): A collection of governing principles for the American government. It is responsible for supporting the livelihood of many who spend most of their waking hours devising ways to get around it. Glorified in the civics classes, expounded upon in law schools, quoted frequently by American politicos and un-used by most presidents. Pursuit of life, liberty and happiness is possible, preferably with a loaded semi-automatic.
No politico (or Politicoe) since Dan Quayle has tried a hands on approach in improving the educational standards of American children. The mantra of “No child left behind” is catching steam among people who have never met a teenager left behind the counter of a Sandwich shop with a dysfunctional cash machine. My parents, who often like to weigh in on important policy matters, offer their alternative and claim to have two data points to prove its efficacy – If the child falls behind, hit his behind really hard.
The adage ‘Health is wealth’ must be true considering every discussion on healthcare in America is less about health and more about “whose wealth will be used to pay for it”. Would it come from Joe the plumber, Dirk the pornographer or Ranganathan the programmer? We also have a vigorous debate going on as to how many Americans put ‘Country first” and how many put “McDonalds first”. Perhaps we can convince Al Gore to introduce and present a new slide show titled “A convenient Solution”. For the purpose of simplicity, we will call this innovative solution “Fat boy credits”. They work just like carbon credits. You want to gorge on Krispy Kremes, fine. But then you must pay someone to consume broccoli. I am sure that revenues from Al Gore only should be able to support healthy diet for the population of a medium size country.
Believe it or not, the question “When does a life begin?” is on the Colorado ballot this year. Now, here is the question which gives our well rested brains another pause, especially when asked by precocious children. I have always considered my C- grade mortal brain inadequate to answer this profound question and when pressed, I have always referred children to a Higher Authority,” Go, ask your grandfather”. Grandpa, who is usually busy in the yard, countering the economic forces by growing his own foodstuff, answers with assuredness of a higher authority,” I do not know when life begins but it ends the day you get married”. “It will end sooner for you if you try to steal money from my wallet” He throws in an extra lesson as “Thou shall not steal” hasn’t worked for two millennia.
Now why is that, only the president has to bear the brunt of a hard job. What we need is a vice president who can regularly put some “vice” into vice presidency. And I am not just talking about vices invloving white house interns, which by way would have been much easier to explain if the vice president had also been known to admit inventing the internet…..well, I mistakenly clicked on the pop up window titled “Interns Available”. We should at least expect from VP hopefuls to go all out to help the oil lobby, get their aides to leak classified information, get the president to issue pardon for the aides convicted of leaking information and engage in occasional community service by shooting a lawyer in the face with lawyer's shotgun at lawyer's ranch.
And now if you will please excuse me, for I am turning into a werewolf. I must go and practice voting on the “Play Ballot”. The undecided are very decided on leaving no chads hanging behind.
And talking of democracy, the exciting event of American elections is just around the corner. There is something about general elections, which turn novices into experts and experts into werewolves. Though indecisiveness can get one out of some sticky situations in one’s Youth, but since that short span of life ended long time back, my indecisiveness has been regarded and recorded in the liability section of balance sheet. Not any more though…Now, I am a prized catch for major party candidates running for oval office. Pollsters make it clear that the fate of this election will be decided by indecisive people and I am feeling proud of my kind. We the undecided do not see the voting decision as easy as “Black and White”……as some extremely decisive folks from Mississippi would have you believe.
Having recently taken an oath to abide by the American constitution, I am taking my civic duty seriously by educating myself into an expert.
American constitution (n.): A collection of governing principles for the American government. It is responsible for supporting the livelihood of many who spend most of their waking hours devising ways to get around it. Glorified in the civics classes, expounded upon in law schools, quoted frequently by American politicos and un-used by most presidents. Pursuit of life, liberty and happiness is possible, preferably with a loaded semi-automatic.
No politico (or Politicoe) since Dan Quayle has tried a hands on approach in improving the educational standards of American children. The mantra of “No child left behind” is catching steam among people who have never met a teenager left behind the counter of a Sandwich shop with a dysfunctional cash machine. My parents, who often like to weigh in on important policy matters, offer their alternative and claim to have two data points to prove its efficacy – If the child falls behind, hit his behind really hard.
The adage ‘Health is wealth’ must be true considering every discussion on healthcare in America is less about health and more about “whose wealth will be used to pay for it”. Would it come from Joe the plumber, Dirk the pornographer or Ranganathan the programmer? We also have a vigorous debate going on as to how many Americans put ‘Country first” and how many put “McDonalds first”. Perhaps we can convince Al Gore to introduce and present a new slide show titled “A convenient Solution”. For the purpose of simplicity, we will call this innovative solution “Fat boy credits”. They work just like carbon credits. You want to gorge on Krispy Kremes, fine. But then you must pay someone to consume broccoli. I am sure that revenues from Al Gore only should be able to support healthy diet for the population of a medium size country.
Believe it or not, the question “When does a life begin?” is on the Colorado ballot this year. Now, here is the question which gives our well rested brains another pause, especially when asked by precocious children. I have always considered my C- grade mortal brain inadequate to answer this profound question and when pressed, I have always referred children to a Higher Authority,” Go, ask your grandfather”. Grandpa, who is usually busy in the yard, countering the economic forces by growing his own foodstuff, answers with assuredness of a higher authority,” I do not know when life begins but it ends the day you get married”. “It will end sooner for you if you try to steal money from my wallet” He throws in an extra lesson as “Thou shall not steal” hasn’t worked for two millennia.
Now why is that, only the president has to bear the brunt of a hard job. What we need is a vice president who can regularly put some “vice” into vice presidency. And I am not just talking about vices invloving white house interns, which by way would have been much easier to explain if the vice president had also been known to admit inventing the internet…..well, I mistakenly clicked on the pop up window titled “Interns Available”. We should at least expect from VP hopefuls to go all out to help the oil lobby, get their aides to leak classified information, get the president to issue pardon for the aides convicted of leaking information and engage in occasional community service by shooting a lawyer in the face with lawyer's shotgun at lawyer's ranch.
And now if you will please excuse me, for I am turning into a werewolf. I must go and practice voting on the “Play Ballot”. The undecided are very decided on leaving no chads hanging behind.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Punjabi for Beginners (Fem.)
Considering that previous discourse of Punjabi was a little too male-centric, here is a linguistic endeavor of documenting words from Punjabi femina sapien….harsh words from Harsh Kaur.
Moya
Literally meaning Dead, as in Why aren’t you dead? Often reserved for eve teasers, word is commonly used as “Mar Moya”, which translates to “Die you dead man”. If your DNA-lingua is cringing at her being harsh with redundant use of the language, wait till she riles up a little bit more and introduces the three tiered redundancy for enhanced effectiveness …..Mar Moya Marjaneya !!!!.....You death deserving dead man, why don’t you just die ???
Word is also used for significant others, especially the ones who habitually mistake Friday mornings for Saturday mornings……Uth Moya, Aaj kamm te nahin jaana, sari umar sutta rahoonga…..Wake up Mr. Dead-pan, aren’t you going to go to work today? Are you going to sleep for rest of your life?
Dur Phitte muhn
What better way to curse a bad mouth than to mouth a bad curse on the bad mouth……Dur phitte muhn…..Your mouth burn (presumably in hell). Phrase is often hurled at pre-teen and teen males who are careless enough to exercise their recently acquired four-letter vocabulary within an earshot of any senior female…relative or not. If a close relative, then it is usually also accompanied by a sound thrashing.
Khasma nu Khaniye
It is a general observation that junior-ettes in Punjabi households become increasingly smart to cover up their slips while the juniors become dumber by the hour. But once in a while junior-ette slips and harsh words from Harsh Kaur Sr. come stinging…….Khasma nu Khaniye…..literally you can eat her husband….and thus cannibalizing his life-span. And at the same exact moment, somewhere in the world, a male feels a chill down his spine for apparently no reason at all.
Tun apne Pe warga
Junior progresses exponentially on the dumbness curve. In due time, he achieves an irreversible steady state and becomes immune to all the usual verbal and non-verbal attacks. And that is when the psychological weapon is launched with “Tu apne pe warga aan”…You are just like your father.
Thapri
Thapri is wooden laundry tool of an unknown origin which was used by womenfolk to beat the dirt out of the clothes. Somewhere in time, a well meaning mother discovered its alternative use….a character builder and discipline inducer in the junior males of the household. Junior slips on his language…..Thapri…..Junior disobeys grandmother….Thapri…..Junior fails his English Grammar…..Thapri, Thapri. “But Mom, you don’t even know what English grammar is”, protests junior. Mother replies, “I may not know English grammar, but I know you failed”……Thapri, Thapri, Thapri.
Thapri is beginning to go out of fashion and urban Punjabi mothers are looking for replacements in their arsenal, but its ceremonial usage continues in the form of ‘Thehar Ja, Mein tere thapri pher di aan"……Wait, I give you a thrashing with a Thapri. I am personally cognizant of effectiveness of this instrument. I know quite a few “Rural Singhs” who were otherwise written off educationally, but thanks to a regular dosage of Thapri, have now gone on to earn graduate degrees….some are even teaching English grammar.
Kuttiyaa !
Kuttiya (You dog) is the canini-cal expression and need I explain any more. Now here is the word which transcends all linguistic and cultural boundaries without losing the luster of its meaning or intent. Word is used equally by grandmothers (lovingly), mothers (admonishingly), elder sisters (overtly), younger sisters (covertly), wives (befittingly), friends (occasionally) and girlfriends (almost daily). Many years back, my mother used it to describe the general environment surrounding me and my brother. And that would immediately evoke a quizzical and somewhat painful expression on the face of our family dog Jimmy. However she would clear the situation to him in a most soothing ,”Tu nahin putt, tu nahin”….not you my son, not you.
And talking about transcendental phrases, I can smell another transcendental and particularly mal-odorous sound wave which is approaching me right now on this lazy Saturday ,”Sofey to uth te kooda chak ke bahr sutt”…..get up from the Sofa and take the trash out. Well, what can I say….Hor ji, Phir Milan ge.
Moya
Literally meaning Dead, as in Why aren’t you dead? Often reserved for eve teasers, word is commonly used as “Mar Moya”, which translates to “Die you dead man”. If your DNA-lingua is cringing at her being harsh with redundant use of the language, wait till she riles up a little bit more and introduces the three tiered redundancy for enhanced effectiveness …..Mar Moya Marjaneya !!!!.....You death deserving dead man, why don’t you just die ???
Word is also used for significant others, especially the ones who habitually mistake Friday mornings for Saturday mornings……Uth Moya, Aaj kamm te nahin jaana, sari umar sutta rahoonga…..Wake up Mr. Dead-pan, aren’t you going to go to work today? Are you going to sleep for rest of your life?
Dur Phitte muhn
What better way to curse a bad mouth than to mouth a bad curse on the bad mouth……Dur phitte muhn…..Your mouth burn (presumably in hell). Phrase is often hurled at pre-teen and teen males who are careless enough to exercise their recently acquired four-letter vocabulary within an earshot of any senior female…relative or not. If a close relative, then it is usually also accompanied by a sound thrashing.
Khasma nu Khaniye
It is a general observation that junior-ettes in Punjabi households become increasingly smart to cover up their slips while the juniors become dumber by the hour. But once in a while junior-ette slips and harsh words from Harsh Kaur Sr. come stinging…….Khasma nu Khaniye…..literally you can eat her husband….and thus cannibalizing his life-span. And at the same exact moment, somewhere in the world, a male feels a chill down his spine for apparently no reason at all.
Tun apne Pe warga
Junior progresses exponentially on the dumbness curve. In due time, he achieves an irreversible steady state and becomes immune to all the usual verbal and non-verbal attacks. And that is when the psychological weapon is launched with “Tu apne pe warga aan”…You are just like your father.
Thapri
Thapri is wooden laundry tool of an unknown origin which was used by womenfolk to beat the dirt out of the clothes. Somewhere in time, a well meaning mother discovered its alternative use….a character builder and discipline inducer in the junior males of the household. Junior slips on his language…..Thapri…..Junior disobeys grandmother….Thapri…..Junior fails his English Grammar…..Thapri, Thapri. “But Mom, you don’t even know what English grammar is”, protests junior. Mother replies, “I may not know English grammar, but I know you failed”……Thapri, Thapri, Thapri.
Thapri is beginning to go out of fashion and urban Punjabi mothers are looking for replacements in their arsenal, but its ceremonial usage continues in the form of ‘Thehar Ja, Mein tere thapri pher di aan"……Wait, I give you a thrashing with a Thapri. I am personally cognizant of effectiveness of this instrument. I know quite a few “Rural Singhs” who were otherwise written off educationally, but thanks to a regular dosage of Thapri, have now gone on to earn graduate degrees….some are even teaching English grammar.
Kuttiyaa !
Kuttiya (You dog) is the canini-cal expression and need I explain any more. Now here is the word which transcends all linguistic and cultural boundaries without losing the luster of its meaning or intent. Word is used equally by grandmothers (lovingly), mothers (admonishingly), elder sisters (overtly), younger sisters (covertly), wives (befittingly), friends (occasionally) and girlfriends (almost daily). Many years back, my mother used it to describe the general environment surrounding me and my brother. And that would immediately evoke a quizzical and somewhat painful expression on the face of our family dog Jimmy. However she would clear the situation to him in a most soothing ,”Tu nahin putt, tu nahin”….not you my son, not you.
And talking about transcendental phrases, I can smell another transcendental and particularly mal-odorous sound wave which is approaching me right now on this lazy Saturday ,”Sofey to uth te kooda chak ke bahr sutt”…..get up from the Sofa and take the trash out. Well, what can I say….Hor ji, Phir Milan ge.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Punjabi for Beginners
Though Punjabi folks formally greet with a “Sat Sri Akal” (Truth is the Timeless being) but in informal situations we are known to save a lot of time with a brief but profound ‘Kiddan” or “Kiwen” (How?). Brevity however is misleading considering that these compact words pack a bunch of important questions, which may include, but not limited to the following – How are you?, How is your wife?, How are the children? and Where are we getting together for a drink tonight? The answer to such a question is equally brief. “Uwen” is uttered with a slight jerk of the neck, which answers all – I am fine. Wife has gone shopping. Children are making me bankrupt and we are getting together at the same place as yesterday.
Love: Punjabi Style
Amitabh Bachhan misled many young hearts, when he lip-sync’d….Angrezi mein kehte hain, I love you…Punjabi mein…Main tainu pyaar kardan. Though he was correct in his translation but practically speaking, no Punjabi man could ever say “Main tainu pyaar kardan” with a straight face. If someone did manage the feat after a lot of practice, Punjabi women simply refused to believe him. Some were even chased with famous feminine footwear from Patiala. Let’s face it, Punjabi men are more known for their durability rather than the prowess in finer points of amor. Exception again lies in brevity. As many will testify to its truth and power; if uttered at the right time and at just the right frequency – “Sonyon”(O beautiful one !) can do wonders….I mean wonders.
Getting rough with the language
Let’s examine a popular expression of roughness in English….I am going to %&*# you. Now this expression has all the elements – Object, Subject, a verb, an infinitive and even a gerund. Only thing this expression lacks is date and exact time of the day - on wednesday at 0245 hrs. On the contrary, the equivalent Punjabi expressions are generally incomplete. Often just one word “Teri….” (Your) is uttered with a meaningful menace. Rest of the words are just left hanging in the air and actual completion “Something will be done to Your someone” is left to the listener’s imagination. Now there are many occasions when an object (usually one of the listener's family member) does get inserted into the expression. And when that happens, rest assured, mayhem is about to break loose.
Notables
“Chak”
Arguably, “Chak de” is the most well-known of the Punjabi phrases in non-punjabi community. The literal meaning of the phrase is “Lift it” but closest meaning is perhaps “Go for it”. Outside Punjab, the phrase has been made well-known by some large girth Bhangra-pop singers with visual aid from scantily clad back swingers and most recently a Bollywood flick “Chak De India”. However, the use of “Chak” with its variations goes beyond the musical beats and Bollywood fiction. Often used as an inspirational war-cry, when a fight is about to break out – Chak de Phatte (Lift the planks) …….. and a perspiration-al use when same fight is about to end with one party on the losing end – Sada kamm ithe Chak hon lagga (Our fate is about to be done here). If you want to make a Punjabi consume an extra drink even after he just finished the bottle – Sochda ki aan, Chak de? (What are you thinking, Go for it). When a teenage boy confides to his college going cousin,”I think neighbor’s daughter likes me”.....“Chak de kaka Chak de” is invariably the elderly advice.
“Hor”
This puny word has very large implications through its prevalent use and transcendental meaning. For beginners, the word “Hor” has been largely responsible for a significant part of the revenues of phone companies serving international service to Punjab. Starting Friday evening, phrases “Hor Kiddan?” (What else is up), “Hor Kamm Kiddan?” (And how is work), “Main tainu Hor ki dassan” (And what else should I tell you), and a very popular “Hor paise bhej” (Send more money) cross the ocean at very high decibel levels throughout the weekend. And even when there is nothing to say, the trusted filler “Hor Phir” (What more) collides head-on with “Hor Phir” from the other end. Considering that acoustics of this innocuous Punjabi word “Hor” are very similar to particularly popular English pejorative for “lady of the night”, FBI had to start ignoring the weekend flags raised by its wire-tapping computers. They almost missed Eliot Spitzer but he made his tryst with a real “HOR” on a weekday…..Ha! There is also no surprise that my dear friend Mauji has never missed an opportunity to recant his Hor-liners. His favorites…..”Ghare Hor haigi aa?” (Is there more at home) and “Ja, Hor lai aa” (Go, Bring some more) . The tonal character of “Ghare Hor haigi aa” and ‘Ja, Hor lai aa” is supposed to let the listener know what “Hor” is being asked for, however, on occasion, some beginners do ask “Hor ki?” (what more?). And, invariably, this is met with a somewhat agitated return “Sanjeevni Booty, Hor Ki” (Sanjeevni Booty, What else). [Note : Discussion of “Sanjeevni Booty” is beyond the scope of beginners and even many advanced texts]. Until the next installment of this linguistic discourse, I take off with a respectful “Hor Ji, Phir Milan ge” !!!!
Love: Punjabi Style
Amitabh Bachhan misled many young hearts, when he lip-sync’d….Angrezi mein kehte hain, I love you…Punjabi mein…Main tainu pyaar kardan. Though he was correct in his translation but practically speaking, no Punjabi man could ever say “Main tainu pyaar kardan” with a straight face. If someone did manage the feat after a lot of practice, Punjabi women simply refused to believe him. Some were even chased with famous feminine footwear from Patiala. Let’s face it, Punjabi men are more known for their durability rather than the prowess in finer points of amor. Exception again lies in brevity. As many will testify to its truth and power; if uttered at the right time and at just the right frequency – “Sonyon”(O beautiful one !) can do wonders….I mean wonders.
Getting rough with the language
Let’s examine a popular expression of roughness in English….I am going to %&*# you. Now this expression has all the elements – Object, Subject, a verb, an infinitive and even a gerund. Only thing this expression lacks is date and exact time of the day - on wednesday at 0245 hrs. On the contrary, the equivalent Punjabi expressions are generally incomplete. Often just one word “Teri….” (Your) is uttered with a meaningful menace. Rest of the words are just left hanging in the air and actual completion “Something will be done to Your someone” is left to the listener’s imagination. Now there are many occasions when an object (usually one of the listener's family member) does get inserted into the expression. And when that happens, rest assured, mayhem is about to break loose.
Notables
“Chak”
Arguably, “Chak de” is the most well-known of the Punjabi phrases in non-punjabi community. The literal meaning of the phrase is “Lift it” but closest meaning is perhaps “Go for it”. Outside Punjab, the phrase has been made well-known by some large girth Bhangra-pop singers with visual aid from scantily clad back swingers and most recently a Bollywood flick “Chak De India”. However, the use of “Chak” with its variations goes beyond the musical beats and Bollywood fiction. Often used as an inspirational war-cry, when a fight is about to break out – Chak de Phatte (Lift the planks) …….. and a perspiration-al use when same fight is about to end with one party on the losing end – Sada kamm ithe Chak hon lagga (Our fate is about to be done here). If you want to make a Punjabi consume an extra drink even after he just finished the bottle – Sochda ki aan, Chak de? (What are you thinking, Go for it). When a teenage boy confides to his college going cousin,”I think neighbor’s daughter likes me”.....“Chak de kaka Chak de” is invariably the elderly advice.
“Hor”
This puny word has very large implications through its prevalent use and transcendental meaning. For beginners, the word “Hor” has been largely responsible for a significant part of the revenues of phone companies serving international service to Punjab. Starting Friday evening, phrases “Hor Kiddan?” (What else is up), “Hor Kamm Kiddan?” (And how is work), “Main tainu Hor ki dassan” (And what else should I tell you), and a very popular “Hor paise bhej” (Send more money) cross the ocean at very high decibel levels throughout the weekend. And even when there is nothing to say, the trusted filler “Hor Phir” (What more) collides head-on with “Hor Phir” from the other end. Considering that acoustics of this innocuous Punjabi word “Hor” are very similar to particularly popular English pejorative for “lady of the night”, FBI had to start ignoring the weekend flags raised by its wire-tapping computers. They almost missed Eliot Spitzer but he made his tryst with a real “HOR” on a weekday…..Ha! There is also no surprise that my dear friend Mauji has never missed an opportunity to recant his Hor-liners. His favorites…..”Ghare Hor haigi aa?” (Is there more at home) and “Ja, Hor lai aa” (Go, Bring some more) . The tonal character of “Ghare Hor haigi aa” and ‘Ja, Hor lai aa” is supposed to let the listener know what “Hor” is being asked for, however, on occasion, some beginners do ask “Hor ki?” (what more?). And, invariably, this is met with a somewhat agitated return “Sanjeevni Booty, Hor Ki” (Sanjeevni Booty, What else). [Note : Discussion of “Sanjeevni Booty” is beyond the scope of beginners and even many advanced texts]. Until the next installment of this linguistic discourse, I take off with a respectful “Hor Ji, Phir Milan ge” !!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Oye Bandra ! : Ape-ic musings
If you are getting tired of listening to election squabbles, let me steer your attention towards another battle still brewing down under…..in Australia. The hard core cricket fans among you know that Indian team is on the tour in Australia. And there, Harbhajan Singh aka Bhajji has been accused by Australian cricketer Andrew Symonds of using a racial slur against him. Apparently he called him a BANDAR (Monkey). A suspension has been decreed which was followed with protests, threats and counter threats by ICI, BCCI, ICICI, MCI, RBI etc. etc. Even Michael Holding (remember the one from West Indies) has weighed in on the issue with an insightful – How can the term “Monkey” be racial? We all evolved from them. In response to Michael Holding’s comments, the legislators in the state of Kansas immediately gathered enough votes to declare Mr. Holding a persona non grata. Any minute now, Charles Darwin is expected to self-exhume and render his verdict on the issue.
Against the wishes and protests (and perhaps copyright infringement) of rest of the animal kingdom, humans have taken quite a liking to the use of animalistic epithets. A few illustrations are in order. Monica Lewinski was a bad-bad Cow. Jawahar Lal Nehru was an Indian Bull(crapper) who took an English Cow for grazing behind her master’s back. A large majority of politicians are Asses. Bappi Lahiri symbolized an oversized Ape – musically or otherwise.
In India, majority of the animals are revered for their pious connections. Cows have virtual immunity. Chickens have a patron through Lord Murugan but a lack of strong lobbying makes them more scared than revered, especially in northern India. The BANDAR community has its connection through Lord Hanuman, the key character of Valmiki’s epic Ramayana. The ones among you, who do not know the great story and were also spared from the torture of watching Arun Govil displaying his folds of ab-flesh on television, let me give you the gist. There was Lord Ram and brother Laxman. Sita was Ram’s wife. They all went into the forest when exiled. Ravana was the bad guy who abducted Sita, because Ram and Laxman refused unsolicited advances from Ravana’s sister. A good old fight followed with victory of good over evil. Who was Hanuman then you might ask? Well he was the one who went around with his tail on fire. Hanuman’s fiery spirit has stayed alive. My good friend Ashish Vij, who played Ram in a many a mohalla’s Ram Leela was fired from it by Hanuman when he began insisting on taking Sita to the forest.
Valmiki was mostly mum as to why Lord Hanuman chose a life of single-hood but many schools of thought have been proposed. My nephew Wellwired Singh says – In the absence of internet, it must be very hard to find “A Suitable Bandariya”. And a suitable Bandar does not hang from every tree either – retorts Wellwired’s wife Hard Kaur. My friend Goofur-e-Alam opines – The choices were clear. Life time of monkeying around or getting knotty with just one pry-mate. He chose freedom. Wisdom beyond the years of evolution. And the 42nd generation of famous match makers from Ragerpura, New Delhi claim – We had a good “rishta” ready for him. Problem came from prospective in-laws. They were too Langoor-ish.
In spite of celibacy, Lord Hanuman is perhaps not without a soft corner for fairer sex. Against all my admonitions and a spirited propaganda in favor of Lord Krishna (role model for many Indian males), a very dear friend of mine once prayed really hard to Lord Hanuman for something she really wanted….and Lord Hanuman delivered the results.
All Punjabi fathers, who have been blessed with son(s), have greatly enriched the Punjabi language with a generous use of word “BANDAR” in similes and metaphors. To sample a choicest few addresses by Punjabi fathers to their male progeny – Oye Bandra !, Kan khol ke sun (O Monkey, Listen with your ears open)……..Eh Bandarpuna band kar de nahin tan…(Quit monkeying around or else..)……Bandar wangoo tappna band kar (stop jumping up and down like a monkey)……and my personal favorite, Tera bootha Bandar wangoo kyon sujya aa (why your face is swollen like that of a monkey).
Now imagine serene Punjabi countryside; a two and half year old boy with limited power cerebral engine and nascent linguistic skills, trying to articulate his thoughts in a difficult and confusing situation, “Well, whenever I pee in the flower pot, Dad calls me Oye Bandra!, and Grandpa calls me Oye Kaka!. I guess Bandar and Kaka must be synonyms”. If the boy is capable of such precocious thoughts then he is definitely headed for the dwindling ranks of Punjabi intellectual society. If not that, he is at least expected to play cricket or write a silly blog.
Against the wishes and protests (and perhaps copyright infringement) of rest of the animal kingdom, humans have taken quite a liking to the use of animalistic epithets. A few illustrations are in order. Monica Lewinski was a bad-bad Cow. Jawahar Lal Nehru was an Indian Bull(crapper) who took an English Cow for grazing behind her master’s back. A large majority of politicians are Asses. Bappi Lahiri symbolized an oversized Ape – musically or otherwise.
In India, majority of the animals are revered for their pious connections. Cows have virtual immunity. Chickens have a patron through Lord Murugan but a lack of strong lobbying makes them more scared than revered, especially in northern India. The BANDAR community has its connection through Lord Hanuman, the key character of Valmiki’s epic Ramayana. The ones among you, who do not know the great story and were also spared from the torture of watching Arun Govil displaying his folds of ab-flesh on television, let me give you the gist. There was Lord Ram and brother Laxman. Sita was Ram’s wife. They all went into the forest when exiled. Ravana was the bad guy who abducted Sita, because Ram and Laxman refused unsolicited advances from Ravana’s sister. A good old fight followed with victory of good over evil. Who was Hanuman then you might ask? Well he was the one who went around with his tail on fire. Hanuman’s fiery spirit has stayed alive. My good friend Ashish Vij, who played Ram in a many a mohalla’s Ram Leela was fired from it by Hanuman when he began insisting on taking Sita to the forest.
Valmiki was mostly mum as to why Lord Hanuman chose a life of single-hood but many schools of thought have been proposed. My nephew Wellwired Singh says – In the absence of internet, it must be very hard to find “A Suitable Bandariya”. And a suitable Bandar does not hang from every tree either – retorts Wellwired’s wife Hard Kaur. My friend Goofur-e-Alam opines – The choices were clear. Life time of monkeying around or getting knotty with just one pry-mate. He chose freedom. Wisdom beyond the years of evolution. And the 42nd generation of famous match makers from Ragerpura, New Delhi claim – We had a good “rishta” ready for him. Problem came from prospective in-laws. They were too Langoor-ish.
In spite of celibacy, Lord Hanuman is perhaps not without a soft corner for fairer sex. Against all my admonitions and a spirited propaganda in favor of Lord Krishna (role model for many Indian males), a very dear friend of mine once prayed really hard to Lord Hanuman for something she really wanted….and Lord Hanuman delivered the results.
All Punjabi fathers, who have been blessed with son(s), have greatly enriched the Punjabi language with a generous use of word “BANDAR” in similes and metaphors. To sample a choicest few addresses by Punjabi fathers to their male progeny – Oye Bandra !, Kan khol ke sun (O Monkey, Listen with your ears open)……..Eh Bandarpuna band kar de nahin tan…(Quit monkeying around or else..)……Bandar wangoo tappna band kar (stop jumping up and down like a monkey)……and my personal favorite, Tera bootha Bandar wangoo kyon sujya aa (why your face is swollen like that of a monkey).
Now imagine serene Punjabi countryside; a two and half year old boy with limited power cerebral engine and nascent linguistic skills, trying to articulate his thoughts in a difficult and confusing situation, “Well, whenever I pee in the flower pot, Dad calls me Oye Bandra!, and Grandpa calls me Oye Kaka!. I guess Bandar and Kaka must be synonyms”. If the boy is capable of such precocious thoughts then he is definitely headed for the dwindling ranks of Punjabi intellectual society. If not that, he is at least expected to play cricket or write a silly blog.
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