My Grumpy Valentine

Valentine’s day just went by and Pope resigned. No connection between the two but I was hoping that as a parting gift, preaching from a comfortable yet fashionable pulpit provided by a pair of red Prada shoes, Pope Benedict might offer some benediction to tortured masses by clarifying the Valentine’s day matter just as the venerable institution has clarified by weighing in matters of evolution, planetary motion and gravitation. And now just like other old people, Pope will be retiring to Florida, where he will pray for the soul of Florida election commission.

Getting back to main topic, to the historically uninitiated, Valentine’s day has its apparent roots in memory of Saint Valentine, who was incarcerated for secretly performing marriages at a time when marriages were banned. Yes, I know, marriages were banned once, henceforth, known as the Good old days. Marriage, as we know is the longest running experiment in human history, in spite of its proclivity towards frequent failures. In case of failure, main experimental parameters vehemently blame each other. In case of success, God is often credited, albeit falsely, as true credit belongs to first order products of experimental parameters. I am up for any celebration, but to comply with spirit of original intent and act of Saint Valentine, the day should be celebrated by only single people. Married people should be exempt from these forced festivities, having already been de-Valentined in the eyes of state and religion. Married folks already have a thing called the Anniversary. It’s the day when two people try to recall the details of same accident, while a disinterested third party tries to figure out if two parallel unrelated events are being related and would there be fusion without cosmic intervention.

So how did we get from the days of Saint Valentine’s secret marriages (circa 2 AD) to modern day mid-February mushiness and a coordinated assault on credit cards. Well, start with a first blame on English poet Chaucer (circa 1380 AD), who wrote this (original reproduced here verbatim)

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

(For it was on Saint Valentine’s Day, when every Bird came there to chose his mate).

Now the older readers are thinking, what is up with these horrible spellings. Was Chaucer heavily chomping on some Colombian contraband? With such spelling abilities, did English consider deporting him to France?The younger readers, un-aided by a spell-check, are saying, "What spelling mistakes, looks Klear to me".

And talking of french, Duke of Orleans (circa 1400 AD), who while incarcerated in Tower of London, sent this note to (apparently) his wife. This is the first known Valentine sent by regular mail (according the important research conducted by Hallmark and Hershey’s).

Je suis desja d'amour tanné
Ma tres doulce Valentinée.

And with help of my omnipresent polyglot friend Google Singh, I got it translated it into both Punjabi as well as English. Only English version is being presented here for your safety

I am already sick of love,

My very gentle Valentine.

English is not my primary language but does the words “Sick of Love” mean anything to you? And it was a matter of time before they started brainwashing young minds with extra-mushy nursery rhymes (circa 1800 AD)

The rose is red, the violet's blue,
The honey's sweet, and so are you.
Thou art my love and I am thine;
I drew thee to my Valentine:
The lot was cast and then I drew,
And “My Accountant” said it shou'd be you

OK, I admit that “My Accountant” in the last line was my own editing. Original word was “Fortune”, which for all practical purposes, is intricately tied to one's accountant.

Apparently, Valentine day is the day when some 190 million Americans, challenged in the area of sentimental composition, rely on Hallmark et. al. to provide them with an expensive ($2 per word) aid, to convey their inner feelings. The racket of course goes on as long as the effort remains written and anonymous. Once you go from written to oral, the words which come out are er….er….er….and as they say, To er is Human!...and the racket goes on. 

And yes, there are other Valentine’s day gifts, heart shaped candy and heart shaped chocolates. They are all bad for your Heart. This year, I noticed a Pizza joint with Valentine day special….a heart shaped Pizza. Nothing else says, I love you hot and heavy, better than a heart shaped Pizza. Throw in some cheese bread, buffalo wings and a large Coke and you may be able to seal the deal, if you know what I mean. If your Valentine date is taking you to a Pizza place, you sure have a big thing on your hand.

According to the survey conducted by reliable people of Surveys Galore, Valentine’s day is the 2^nd most despised day of celebration in the US. Which begs the question, what is the first one? Here is a hint. Section of society, which despises Valentine’s day, loves the other one and vice-versa. Needless to say, the validity of this survey is highly questionable, for no frigging way, St. Patrick’s Day can be the most despised. Who, I ask earnestly, in their right minds, could ever despise drinking whole day?

Valentine’s day is celebrated outside the western world in variety of forms. My Korean friends tell me that 14^th of every month, and not just February, is a love related day in Korea. Starting from January, Candle Day, Valentine's Day, White Day, Black Day, Rose Day, Kiss Day, Silver Day, Green Day, Music Day, Wine Day, Movie Day, and Hug Day. Black Day is the day when un-attached Korean people eat Black noodles to celebrate (some mourn it) their single-hood. Black Day falls on April 14^th, which in the USA, is the penultimate day to send your “Sweet Valentine” to the IRS (Internal Revenue Service). And may God help you if you don’t profess your love and promise (till death do us part) to IRS, in writing, by April 15^th. For the purposes of maintaining international peace, I must declare that I received this information from my South Korean friends. North Korea, apparently as a nation, also sends an occasional Valentine to South Korea and Japan. Their Valentine card is often tied to a ballistic missile for speedy delivery. No love lost there.

On a typical V-day early morning, a conversation takes place

“Love is in the air”.....She coos

“Really. That sure explains the smell”…...He wonders

[A pregnant pause, as she weighs her rejoinder against the fact that Mr. Singh has never capitulated to any other pressure except Beer Pressure]

“Will you be my Grumpy Valentine”.

“With Pleasure my lady, with pleasure”.