Random thoughts on Physics

For the voracious readers of scientific inclination out there, please allow me to refer to the bestseller of circa 1687 – Philosophiae Naturalis Principiae Mathematica. When God hit Mr. Isaac Newton in the head with that ripened apple, He was aiming for certain emotional nodes in the left parietal. He missed and the out came a few more chapters of the textbooks, which became the source of chagrin for some high school freshmen a few centuries later. No compassion there, only gravitation and motion. God’s flawed aim has also been argued over for centuries. Recently, He sent down “Katrina” to an American city and only area left untouched was surrounding the “Bourbon Street”.

In Principiae, the first law declares that a body will try to persist (protest and even refuse to budge) in the same state unless an external force is applied to compel it. Mr. Newton…..you will be glad to know that you have been gone for a while but the external force has continued its pestering.

The primary source of this external force is generally one’s significant other and she applies it gently, disguised in a dulcet packaging,” Honey, I made salad for you today”. No one has been ever able to explain to me as to how one can MAKE salad? By all technical and non-technical definitions provided by the FDA, salad can only be nomenclature-ized under pre-fabricated consumable. To “make food” one must alter the form, fit and function of the starting material. Chopping a broccoli into three pieces does not qualify, unless you dip them in batter (change of form), deep fry them (change of fit-ness) and serve with a pint of beer (change of function). If you still insist on salad, I would rather gulp a cup of ranch dressing and call it food. Coming across this particularly tricky source of external force, some brave ones among us retort by saying things such as ”last time I had MADE food was when I was dating you”. But then, one risks the suspension of one’s constitutional rights followed by excruciating distress from the declaration of martial law and external force turning vindictive.

Parents are also catching up with changing times. Father and mother have embarked on their own path of “fit seniors” in the era of satellite television and pirated DVDs. A few exercise DVDs and mom has begun to explain the finer points of brisk walking and benefits of yoga. And father…..father has begun to talk suspiciously fondly of Jane Fonda. The duo’s external force is neither disguised nor dulcet, and it renders you absolutely retort-less with ,”when you walk, there seems to be another person walking in front of you…when are you going to get rid of him”.

And then there is whole crop of pestering physicians, marathon running cousins, teenage children who do not want to be seen with you, but think that it is becoming harder since you are one of the few man made structures who are now visible from the outer space, and last but not the least is that “militarized” Uncle, whose vocabulary has been confined to two English words – Boot Camp. I say stand-at-ease, soldier.

The second law quoted as original : Mutationem motus proportionalem esse vi motrici impressae, et fieri secundum lineam rectam qua vis illa imprimitur. Translated into American English…..The fiery force will hold the body by its rectum and proportional mutation will follow. Just kidding……actually this is the law, which establishes a relationship between force, mass and acceleration. When the external force becomes unbearable, the male masses gather their woods and irons, and accelerate towards the nearest public golf course. A notable exception has been pointed to me by some keen students. Close to the closing time of 2:30 PM, large masses have been observed to make lightning rounds of buffet line under the influence of scientifically feeble aromatic forces.

While we are at the subject of physics, we might as well discuss the third law too. The third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction…..unless you are a married man. If you are, you are perhaps used to seeing a very high number of reactions. Sometimes, you might be vaguely aware of the action which triggered the reaction. The disproportionateness of this particularly lopsided action-reaction system makes the engineer inside me wonder. Maybe this is the system which could be the source of perpetual energy scientists have been looking for. The deterrence to the scientific community of course is the extreme instability of one of the electrodes.

Moving on from Mr. Newton to Herr Einstein. Since there is no record of God hitting Einstein with an apple (or a falling piano), a popular belief during my graduate school was that E=mc2 was a result of “Drinking and De-riving”. If circumstantial evidence is of any consequence, it was published for the first time during “Oktoberfest”. I lied (repeatedly) during my freshmen college class when I claimed to have understood the Einstein’s theory. When the speed increases, the time slows down. Many years later, well advanced from my freshmen years, I had a live demonstration of the theory when I got onto the tread mill for the first time. As the speed increased, time not only slowed down, it almost came to a screeching halt. My exact words were….What ???? I have been running only for four minutes and 32 seconds !!!!! Check the clock.

I can continue with this random scientific discourse on this lazy weekend from the relative comfort of my couch but I hear the external force turning vocal upstairs. My immediate presence is being demanded and I must go…….my engines are set to warp……God Speed !!!!