A season to get physical

Thanksgiving just went by, so it is time to talk turkey. Thanksgiving is the day when America intensifies its annual assault on Kingdom of Food with a proverbial “Surge”. Outside the cocky world known to homo-sapiens form of intelligentsia, the day is celebrated as “Temporary Independence day” in the bovine world and as “Thank God it is no fry-day” among Chickens. Except for a mild surprise for taste buds, the day is just another weekday in Alabama. The success of surge is well known as it continues its assault around the offices with sugar concoctions appearing mysteriously and disappearing rapidly at the coffee stations. As the assault progresses, the birthday of Christ is celebrated with a summary crucifixion of Atkins. Jenny Craig goes into hiding and Sara Lee comes out of exile. The Krispy krime wave runs unabated until New Year marks its ebb with arrival of XXXL credit card statements while we renew our annual subscription to some old resolutions. Two from an apparently popular list in a recent newspaper clip caught my eye – Get Physical exercise and Get Physical.

Get Physical !!!!!Does everyone smell the sneaky lobbying by AMA here? The physicians at AMA are real helping bunch.

Physician : A person upon whom you set your hopes when ill and set your dogs when well - Ambrose Bierce

First, the AMA hires really good lawyers to help our legislators craft a simple and straightforward health care system. And then to extract some extra bucks off the backs of middle aged hombres, they start helping us pick our New Year resolutions as well. I am sure that most of you middle-aged males at one time have sensed that not-so-faint streak of sadistic glee when your physician suggests “Physical”. They so much love seeing you in that rear-cooled paper gown that they suggest Physical even if you are in their office to get your ear wax removed. And when they do, a chill runs down your spine and terminates exactly at the point which is going to bear the brunt of the procedure….and for the physician, highlight of the report. At least, you should take solace in the fact that the section of your body, which hitherto was known to have contributed primarily to the Global Warming, could begin its lengthy atonement by making significant contributions to the livelihood of many physicians, some with overdue educational loans and mostly with alimony payments. Incidentally, it also completely explains the vehement defense of the cause by Nobel laureate Al Gore. He can prevent global warming single-cheekedly…. by blocking the sun.

My health care needs were recently reassigned by the omnipotent insurance company to a lady physician. It was hard to detect any glee in her inscrutable voice. However, she happens to be fan….a fan of Star Trek. A poster of Captain Jane of the Starfleet adorns the wall and the caption serves a notice to patients – “I will boldly go where no Human has gone before”. As Dale Carnegie suggests in his infinite wisdom – Things could have been worse. The poster could have been that of the Borg and caption could have read – Resistance is futile. You will be…...

Get physical exercise as a new year resolution is no surprise. Very popular indeed. However, during the surge time, watch out for questions disguised as statements, especially from the fairer sex. There are very few correct responses to statements such as “I think I have put on ten pounds” and she is the only one who knows them. All other responses, ranging from complete silence to “you think” are plain wrong. Ten pounds does not move me anymore anyway. Not after I have had the honor (and furniture in our house had the burden) of spending time with my elder brother. He is also known to put on ten pounds….sometimes just during the breakfast itself. There are no perfect analogies to describe his dinnertime fare but suffice to say that anomalies have been observed in earth’s gravitational field. Recently his physician suggested getting at least ten percent more exertion. He increased the distance between his bed and refrigerator by another 1.5 ft. He is mentally sharp and physically well-rounded.

And while I end my blogging to heed to the loud reminders to take out the trash and other items on the honey do-list for the weekend, I am reminded of the words from Canadian comedian Steve Smith – If Women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy….and who knows, she might decide to get physical. A happy season to all of you.