Ramblings of an American voter

Halloween hasn’t arrived but the horror is arriving early this year. I got my retirement and benefits statement and it scared the “Jesus” out of me….and appropriately so….possibility of “The Last Supper” is looming large. If you are wondering how strongly American retirement plan is tied to the S & P 500, consider that at the height of tech boom, mine included South of France; market forces downgraded it later to South of Florida. And now, even South Dakota is closing its doors. And in spite of this financial turmoil, I bailed out some recent shopping bills, where store names were dead giveaways to the excesses - Needless Marcus and Pier 1 Extorts! I know you are thinking regulation. Well, a politic mind would recognize that regulation can upset the delicate nature of capitalistic democracy in the long run.

And talking of democracy, the exciting event of American elections is just around the corner. There is something about general elections, which turn novices into experts and experts into werewolves. Though indecisiveness can get one out of some sticky situations in one’s Youth, but since that short span of life ended long time back, my indecisiveness has been regarded and recorded in the liability section of balance sheet. Not any more though…Now, I am a prized catch for major party candidates running for oval office. Pollsters make it clear that the fate of this election will be decided by indecisive people and I am feeling proud of my kind. We the undecided do not see the voting decision as easy as “Black and White”……as some extremely decisive folks from Mississippi would have you believe.

Having recently taken an oath to abide by the American constitution, I am taking my civic duty seriously by educating myself into an expert.

American constitution (n.): A collection of governing principles for the American government. It is responsible for supporting the livelihood of many who spend most of their waking hours devising ways to get around it. Glorified in the civics classes, expounded upon in law schools, quoted frequently by American politicos and un-used by most presidents. Pursuit of life, liberty and happiness is possible, preferably with a loaded semi-automatic.

No politico (or Politicoe) since Dan Quayle has tried a hands on approach in improving the educational standards of American children. The mantra of “No child left behind” is catching steam among people who have never met a teenager left behind the counter of a Sandwich shop with a dysfunctional cash machine. My parents, who often like to weigh in on important policy matters, offer their alternative and claim to have two data points to prove its efficacy – If the child falls behind, hit his behind really hard.

The adage ‘Health is wealth’ must be true considering every discussion on healthcare in America is less about health and more about “whose wealth will be used to pay for it”. Would it come from Joe the plumber, Dirk the pornographer or Ranganathan the programmer? We also have a vigorous debate going on as to how many Americans put ‘Country first” and how many put “McDonalds first”. Perhaps we can convince Al Gore to introduce and present a new slide show titled “A convenient Solution”. For the purpose of simplicity, we will call this innovative solution “Fat boy credits”. They work just like carbon credits. You want to gorge on Krispy Kremes, fine. But then you must pay someone to consume broccoli. I am sure that revenues from Al Gore only should be able to support healthy diet for the population of a medium size country.

Believe it or not, the question “When does a life begin?” is on the Colorado ballot this year. Now, here is the question which gives our well rested brains another pause, especially when asked by precocious children. I have always considered my C- grade mortal brain inadequate to answer this profound question and when pressed, I have always referred children to a Higher Authority,” Go, ask your grandfather”. Grandpa, who is usually busy in the yard, countering the economic forces by growing his own foodstuff, answers with assuredness of a higher authority,” I do not know when life begins but it ends the day you get married”. “It will end sooner for you if you try to steal money from my wallet” He throws in an extra lesson as “Thou shall not steal” hasn’t worked for two millennia.

Now why is that, only the president has to bear the brunt of a hard job. What we need is a vice president who can regularly put some “vice” into vice presidency. And I am not just talking about vices invloving white house interns, which by way would have been much easier to explain if the vice president had also been known to admit inventing the internet…..well, I mistakenly clicked on the pop up window titled “Interns Available”. We should at least expect from VP hopefuls to go all out to help the oil lobby, get their aides to leak classified information, get the president to issue pardon for the aides convicted of leaking information and engage in occasional community service by shooting a lawyer in the face with lawyer's shotgun at lawyer's ranch.

And now if you will please excuse me, for I am turning into a werewolf. I must go and practice voting on the “Play Ballot”. The undecided are very decided on leaving no chads hanging behind.

Punjabi for Beginners (Fem.)

Considering that previous discourse of Punjabi was a little too male-centric, here is a linguistic endeavor of documenting words from Punjabi femina sapien….harsh words from Harsh Kaur.

Moya
Literally meaning Dead, as in Why aren’t you dead? Often reserved for eve teasers, word is commonly used as “Mar Moya”, which translates to “Die you dead man”. If your DNA-lingua is cringing at her being harsh with redundant use of the language, wait till she riles up a little bit more and introduces the three tiered redundancy for enhanced effectiveness …..Mar Moya Marjaneya !!!!.....You death deserving dead man, why don’t you just die ???

Word is also used for significant others, especially the ones who habitually mistake Friday mornings for Saturday mornings……Uth Moya, Aaj kamm te nahin jaana, sari umar sutta rahoonga…..Wake up Mr. Dead-pan, aren’t you going to go to work today? Are you going to sleep for rest of your life?

Dur Phitte muhn
What better way to curse a bad mouth than to mouth a bad curse on the bad mouth……Dur phitte muhn…..Your mouth burn (presumably in hell). Phrase is often hurled at pre-teen and teen males who are careless enough to exercise their recently acquired four-letter vocabulary within an earshot of any senior female…relative or not. If a close relative, then it is usually also accompanied by a sound thrashing.

Khasma nu Khaniye
It is a general observation that junior-ettes in Punjabi households become increasingly smart to cover up their slips while the juniors become dumber by the hour. But once in a while junior-ette slips and harsh words from Harsh Kaur Sr. come stinging…….Khasma nu Khaniye…..literally you can eat her husband….and thus cannibalizing his life-span. And at the same exact moment, somewhere in the world, a male feels a chill down his spine for apparently no reason at all.

Tun apne Pe warga
Junior progresses exponentially on the dumbness curve. In due time, he achieves an irreversible steady state and becomes immune to all the usual verbal and non-verbal attacks. And that is when the psychological weapon is launched with “Tu apne pe warga aan”…You are just like your father.

Thapri
Thapri is wooden laundry tool of an unknown origin which was used by womenfolk to beat the dirt out of the clothes. Somewhere in time, a well meaning mother discovered its alternative use….a character builder and discipline inducer in the junior males of the household. Junior slips on his language…..Thapri…..Junior disobeys grandmother….Thapri…..Junior fails his English Grammar…..Thapri, Thapri. “But Mom, you don’t even know what English grammar is”, protests junior. Mother replies, “I may not know English grammar, but I know you failed”……Thapri, Thapri, Thapri.

Thapri is beginning to go out of fashion and urban Punjabi mothers are looking for replacements in their arsenal, but its ceremonial usage continues in the form of ‘Thehar Ja, Mein tere thapri pher di aan"……Wait, I give you a thrashing with a Thapri. I am personally cognizant of effectiveness of this instrument. I know quite a few “Rural Singhs” who were otherwise written off educationally, but thanks to a regular dosage of Thapri, have now gone on to earn graduate degrees….some are even teaching English grammar.

Kuttiyaa !
Kuttiya (You dog) is the canini-cal expression and need I explain any more. Now here is the word which transcends all linguistic and cultural boundaries without losing the luster of its meaning or intent. Word is used equally by grandmothers (lovingly), mothers (admonishingly), elder sisters (overtly), younger sisters (covertly), wives (befittingly), friends (occasionally) and girlfriends (almost daily). Many years back, my mother used it to describe the general environment surrounding me and my brother. And that would immediately evoke a quizzical and somewhat painful expression on the face of our family dog Jimmy. However she would clear the situation to him in a most soothing ,”Tu nahin putt, tu nahin”….not you my son, not you.

And talking about transcendental phrases, I can smell another transcendental and particularly mal-odorous sound wave which is approaching me right now on this lazy Saturday ,”Sofey to uth te kooda chak ke bahr sutt”…..get up from the Sofa and take the trash out. Well, what can I say….Hor ji, Phir Milan ge.